strange new world - my life as a demon

[kahoku]

--- The Usual Disclaimer ---

While reading this article, please keep in mind that i?m talking mostly out of my own experience. I don?t claim to know everything about every kind of demon. However, I am open for critique, feel free to email me: kahoku(at)gmx(dot)net

I must also say, I don't remember everything from my demon life (hopefully the knowlege returns once I leave this body). This is what I am currently aware of.


1. Introduction

I'm a demon inarnate, meaning a demon who incarnated into a human body. In my true form, I'm something someone called an "intelligent floating shadow jellyfish" - a formless shade floating around (I don't fly, just float), invisible to most people.

Why would a demon incarnate?
There are several reasons. Firstly, curiousity. Demons love watching humans and trying to understand why they act the way they do. What better way could there be than to incarnate and see for yourself? But that's not the only thing... Life as a demon is rather lonely, most people cannot see you or cannot communicate with you, or if they can, they either try to summon or to banish you; and thus my only friends were stray cats. Being human is kind of like being on holiday. I try to gather as much information as I can in this life. I guess I will reincarnate sooner or later though because being human also has advantages.

By the way, many people ask me about my ?human side? and my ?demon side?. I don't like to split my thoughts. I am demon, that's it...

2. My "Non-awakening"

When I was a young child, I was totally fascinated by the concepts of physical pain and death, which really scared my playmates (that's why I almost never had any). I knew I was something different than them (at the age of approx. 4!) but couldn't point my finger at it then. Growing up, I took on human ways of acting, still they wouldn't like me or accept me in a group, even before I said a word. I don't know when I first thought of myself as a "demon" but obviously it was no surprise to me, just the proper word for what I felt to be.
Years passed, I started doing magic and stopped again, I discovered my psi abilities (telepathy, lesser mind control,...)... about one and a half years ago I started feeling wings - I thought I was totally crazy now but got used to it... last year I found a link to an otherkin site and suddenly everything had names (!) and there was no question what kind of kin I was... people on several otherkin boards helped me put my memories together which had emerged over all the years... still no feeling of "awakening" or so... really, it is as if I had always known, even though I didn't have names for it then. maybe the "awakening" part was to realize there were more people like me.

3. What is a demon?

A demon, in true form, is generally an entity made of 99.9% energy. Demon otherkin are, as far as I discovered, quite moody individuals who seem to attract negative incidents. They are very curious, they observe humanity and sometimes seem quite out-of-place. They also have to get used to being in a physical body with all its limitations and obligations (eating, sleeping,...). Demons often see themselves as actors who play human and usually have little to no real friends. They don't let themselves be put into a precast scheme (that's why they are so hard to define) and generally avoid extremes. Apart from that, we are often (but not always):

* passionate/temperamental
* brutally honest
* cynical
* proud
* having a strong sense for honor but also for freedom
* moody (especially when disturbed by someone)
* loners (cannot really attach to someone)
* observers



Some of us are also:

* collectors
* actors/shapeshifters



The one thing that really all of us seem to have in common is our affinity with chaos. My way of "shapeshifting", if you can call it that, is following different patterns of acting. It depends on my mood, the occasion and the people around me and can vary from well-behaved intellectual to destructive beast. I wouldn't call that different personalities though, just a way to get along without too many troubles.
But i am mainly a watcher of human behavior. That is, as long as you don't realize you're watched. Some people are sensitive and notice me, I usually leave then.
There's a long list of demon subtypes, but I will try and enumerate the most common ones:

* shadow/shade
* succubus/incubus
* shapeshifters



Some people claim that fallen angels who devote themselves to evil and lose their compassion are also a demon subtype. I think that's just a matter of definition. I haven't found such an otherkin yet. Generally, angels and demons are NOT the same. They seem to have many things in common, i.e. an energy body, another semi-physical form to communicate and a strong sense for justice. However, there are more things that separate us. Angels, for instance, love to preserve order, whereas demons live for the chaos. As far as I have discovered, people just feel what they are. I know for sure that I'm not an angel. Yes, I am an empath and I often help people (especially old people, seems like I can handle them pretty well). However, I am quite selective in who I help, which seems to be something that separates demons from angels very clearly.

4. Demons and the Evil

Are they evil? - As well as humans being either remorseless or good natured, there are also many kinds of demons. Generally, they may be a little more distrustful (in others' intentions). Most of them are not evil-minded, although they sometimes seem like that because firstly they have their own view of "good and bad", secondly because they aren't aware of "physical" concepts like pain, resulting from the fact that they don't have a body themselves. However, if you attack them, they can get quite unfriendly. Also, being summoned makes most of us real angry. I know that someone once summoned me ? a person who was not capable of dealing with a demon. Poor guy.

We also seem to have a tendency to attract negativity and we learned how to deal with that so we don't fear it anymore. In human form it's harder to cope with because, for instance, either we have no luck at all or we have luck when we don't need it (because of others getting jealous etc.). This seems to be the fate of a demon, whatever we do, it turns out negative in some way.

5. Natural Form vs. Human Body

ost demons don't have a body in their natural form, so it's quite confusing to be in one after incarnating. eating, drinking, talking, restricted psi abilities, a gender... just to mention some things we?re not used to.

My natural form is hard to describe, it is mostly energetic, with a dense core and thinner on the outside. I can stretch that thinner part out and grab/move things (that's what I always try to do as a human but it never works *l*), although interacting with the physical world in this manner is quite hard to do since I'm rather energetic. My senses differ greatly from those of a human. there are no borders between them, so hearing and seeing is almost the same, I absorb and interpret oscillation. that way I can also tell whether something is hot or cold (infrared?) although I couldn't burn or freeze. My natural vision is rather strange, it is not as clear as human sight but it is mixed with energy sight so it is quite different from the restricted perception of human eyes.

most people cannot see me in that form, only media etc. (and i try to avoid those, very often they would scare me away just because they are afraid of me). this is the form someone called a "floating intelligent shadow jellyfish" *lol* My "interactive" form is a rather short, grey demon with four wings, slightly longer ears, big eyes, sharp teeth and tiny horns. I can look really innocent in that form? it is something in between a real body and my natural state, people can see me more easily unless they don't WANT to see. Touching things is easier this way, however, I cannot really speak, I rather produce air vibrations that sound like whispers, but not with my mouth. Floating is also more difficult in that state, that's why I have wings (the upper two for flying, the lower two for stabilizing since I have no tail). Another disadvantage of the interactive form is limited agility, compared to the natural state.

Some things that both forms cannot experience are: physical pain, touch (at least not the way humans feel it), sleep, and many more. however, I can feel mental pain (when someone banishes me or when one of my cats died ? remember stray cats were my only friends then), curiousity (I love watching humans and this human body gives me an excellent chance to do so without being sent away all the time) and compassion (although it's a bit different and if you aren't aware of the concept of physical pain, you cannot easily feel with a hurt lifeform).

There are many disadvantages in being human... now I know the concept of physical pain, illness etc. and I must say being in a solid body all the time is rather uncomfortable. To eat and to sleep are also things I couldn't really get used to yet (and i've been in this body for more than 2 decades now!). something i also never knew and that i really hate is cold temperatures. as a demon, you can sense hot and cold but it doesn't hurt or get uncomfortable... as I told you, a demon?s senses are generally very different from a human's...

Getting to sleep is terrible? my mind is awake and my body gets tired. Very often my body falls asleep and my mind is still fully working, that can be quite boring. Someone told me this was a good start for OBEs but I never managed to leave my body (I can detach but it seems like I cannot pass the border of my body). It would be very interesting whether I had demon form when out of body. I still hope that, out of my body, I will have a glimpse of my natural form... I miss that, although I feel that my research won't be finished soon.
In natural form, demons feed on energy/emotions that living beings emit (special case: succubi/incubi who provoke people to release energy). I really forget to eat sometimes, mostly my stomach brings it to my mind after a day or so and sometimes I even find it disgusting, no matter how good it tastes. I would prefer to stop doing it but since that's not possible in this form, I just adapt and try to eat what I like. I cannot stand being in a situation where I am forced to eat three meals a day, mostly I eat once or twice. Eating food is somewhat strange because first you are hungry, afterwards you're full and both states are rather unpleasant to me.

Something else that I couldn't get used to in all those years: no telekinesis, restricted telepathy. especially the first... sometimes I unconsciously stretch out my arm for something and then realize I cannot extend my "essence" (the outer area of my true form) to grab it.

Some words on gender stereotypes. People cannot understand when someone acts like "the other gender" or "not like a man/woman". I have been watching kids when I was one of them and couldn't understand why girls had to play with dolls and dress in pink, and why boys should play with cars and fight. I liked both (not the pink stuff though). One of the reasons why I've always been the odd one out. That doesn't mean I hate or disgust my body. It's just the mental thing that confuses me. Apart from the physical components, I don't see any difference, and then, watching humans, I see them acting differently and don't understand why. This is one of the mysteries Ii still try to explore.

I very much miss my wings, I can feel them but that's all... physical limits and exhaustion are also new to me, although I don't think I could flip a car when in natural form... guess I never tried...

6. Demons and others

As I said, demonkin prefer to walk alone or with just a handful of good friends. They are used to getting hurt rather than being accepted, which explains their inaccessible behavior.

I am quite a social person, I care a lot for old people and children. However, there are people who just seem to fear me, with no obvious reason. Meanwhile I have developed a feeling for who I could get along with and use to treat all the others with sort of a polite lack of interest. This works quite well. Apart from that, with growing age, people seem not to notice me as ?something different? anymore or they don?t WANT to see it (referring to their ?reason?).

Nevertheless I often feel apart from almost all of the world, trapped in a huge, heavy body, within an ignorant society. In such cases, I used to get very passive and to watch. I refer to this state as "not being there" or "being invisible" because most people just ignore my presence when I am in this state. I was diagnosed as highly intelligent and manic-depressive... people accept that more easily than the fact that I'm demon.

Spoken language is another strange thing, inaccurate and everything. I always have difficulties with ambiguous expressions, very often people are annoyed because I say something ambiguous and they understand it just the other way.


This article was composed from e-mails, pm?s and forum contributions I've made. I hope you enjoyed reading it ? if you have further questions or critique, feel free to email me at kahoku(at)gmx(dot)net

[Jera]

Interesting article kahoku. I really enjoyed reading it and it gave me a better insight on demons.

Also, I hope that I can understand you a bit better now.

[kahoku]

Also, I hope that I can understand you a bit better now.

was i that hard to understand before?

[Xanthus]

Big article. O.o

[Jera]

Also, I hope that I can understand you a bit better now.

was i that hard to understand before?

That's not what I meant.
What I was trying to express here was that I'm always interested in new details.

Hm...yeah guess I'm not good at expressing myself.

[kahoku]

Hm...yeah guess I'm not good at expressing myself.

oh, don't worry. i have the same problem. but this time i was joking.

[Divinitywolf]

From re-reading this article its made me realise how much it helped me to see i was a demon.
It was the turning point in the understand of myself.
And for that i will always be thankful Kahoku.

[kahoku]

ohh, it makes me happy to hear that!